The first movie I remember watching in the cinema is the
Malaysian Horror film Pontianak Harum
Sundal Malam (Pontianak/Vampire Scent of the Tuber Rose).1 I was six years old. There was a big group of us there that night, my whole
family and lots of cousins. We had two films to choose from: the aforementioned
Horror, or Harry Potter and the Prisoner
of Azkaban.2 The majority went with Harry Potter – who could blame them?
But this six-year-old idiot went for the flying
female vampire-slash-spirit. This is normally where one would say, “and that’s
how I fell in love with Horror!” Not me. I spent the entire film hugging my
legs and hiding behind my popcorn. Horror films have been a taboo for me since
that day. I slept with the lights on. I went to the toilet with the door wide
open. I prefer the dark when I sleep now (you’re welcome, environment) but when
I need to pee in the middle of the night I have to shake my boyfriend awake. I
do enjoy Horror Comedies though. Some of my favourites are the Malaysian Zombi Kampung Pisang (Banana Village’s
Zombies),3 the Thai Pee Mak (available on
Netflix!)4 and Zombieland.5
I don’t
quite understand others’ fascination with Horror. Why would you want to be scared? Some would argue
catharsis: “‘vicarious experience’ of aggression provides a relatively harmless
release for pent-up aggressive instincts.”6 I can understand that. I live for catharsis! Crying about characters on the
page or screen is a favourite pastime of mine. I just can’t do it with Horror.
I hate
feeling scared. I spent my whole life terrified – of staying in Malaysia for the
rest of my life, of people finding out that I don’t believe in Allah, or that
I’m as attracted to women as men. Psychological fear was my constant companion
– “a warning [that] functions to prevent the possibility of personal
disintegration.”7 In
terms of Horror, there can be no catharsis for me. I can’t purge the terror –
it’s only multiplied, over and over.
Every
time I read the news, there’s horror everywhere. You know what I’m talking
about: hate crimes, anti-vaxxers, rapists and paedophiles walking free – sadly, the list goes on. The monsters are real, and so tangible – I just
don’t see any reason to scare myself with the make-believe ones when the real
ones live among us. What are Dracula, Wolfman and Pennywise to serial killers,
sexual predators and Donald trump? The idea that these films or books “would
express and so relieve the fear of unknown horrors”8 is absurd to me. What unknown horrors? Demons and ghost don’t exist. My mind
might fool me into thinking there’s something out there in the dark, but I know that’s irrational.
Films that do focus on the real monsters –
such as I Spit on Your Grave,10Halloween11 and Gaslight12 – don’t relieve my fear of them. If anything, it
exacerbates it. It reminds me all too painfully that they exist. I don’t want
to read or watch anything that would scare me. But I am open to doing that to others.
1 Pontianak Harum Sundal Malam, directed by Shuhaimi Baba, Persona Pictures, 2004, Feature Film.↩ 2 Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, directed by Alfonso Cuarón, Warner Bros. Pictures, 2004, Feature Film.↩ 3 Zombi Kampung Pisang, directed by Mamat Khalid, Tayangan Unggul, 2007, Feature Film.↩ 4 Pee Mak, directed by Banjong Pisanthanakun, Golden Screen, 2013, Feature Film.↩ 5 Zombieland, directed by Ruben Fleischer, Columbia Pictures, 2009, Feature Film.↩ 6 Joseph Grixti, Terrors of Uncertainty: The Cultural Contexts of Horror Fiction (London: Routledge, 1989), 78.↩ 7 David R. Saliba, A Psychology of Fear (Washington D.C: University Press of America, 1980), 39.↩ 8 Geoffrey S. Kirk, The Nature of Greek Myths (Middlesex: Penguin, 1974), 70.↩ 9 It, directed by Andy Muschietti, Warner Bros. Pictures, 2017, Feature Film.↩ 10 I Spit on Your Grave, directed by Steven R. Monroe, Anchor Bay Entertainment, 2010, Feature Film.↩ 11 Halloween, directed by David Gordon Green, Universal Pictures, 2018, Feature Film.↩ 12 Gaslight, directed by George Cukor, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, 1944, Feature Film.↩
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